AVB - the job interview
DL: Hello Andre, thanks for applying, we'd like to offer you job!
AVB: That's great news. It's an honour to be able to begin the project, what are the requirements?
DL: Well as you know, we have a long and proud history of nearly being successful. We think you are the man to take us that next step. The last manager was almost universally loved by fans and the media, and we know that everybody thinks you are a laughing stock after the debacle at Chelski, but we have faith in you, because nobody else has put themselves forward for the job. Tell me, do you wind the car window down a lot?
AVB: No why?
DL: Doesn't matter, but please can you get a bus to the training ground on deadline day?
AVB. OK, I'm really looking forward to working with the players. I've heard great things about Modric, Van der Vaart, King and others.
DL: Erm ,yeah, few issues there. Modric doesn't want to stay here but I think I'm gonna wait til the last week in August to see if he changes his mind. Also, Rafa is going back to Germany, but I reckon again I'll wait til deadline day just to see if his price goes up. Ledley is retiring. Also, we have decided that your decent fringe players should go to. Corluka, Pienaar, GDS, Rose, I mean, we need the money.
AVB: Ok, can I replace them?
DL; Kind of, We need to make about £15million. You see, Big Joe in Barbados, he needs a new yacht. Also, don't ask me why, but your two best players from last season, Parker and Kaboul, I just have a feeling they could get long term injuries…
AVB: OK, I would like Moutinho to replace Modric. I've worked before with him, and if we get him in July he'll fit in seamlessly. I've heard there are a few issues with ownership, so we need it sorting sooner rather than later. Also that Leandro fella looks shit hot, let's snap him up before the Olympics when his price will rise. I also like Vertonghen.
DL: You can have one of those, and only because it's on our list as well. Vertoghen it is. Also, we reckon Adebayor is the real deal. He tried so hard last year when he was looking for a contract, so we think he deserves to be the highest-paid player in our history. We fully expect him to carry on where he left off. But you can't have him until three weeks in to the season, when he'll be too unfit to play. Also, the Icelandic fella at Swansea. He scored against us last year, so he must be decent, so we've decided he deserves £60k a week as well.
AVB: OK, what are the season requirements?
DL: Well top four and a cup win. We haven't done that since the mid 80s, when we were the richest team in England, but hey, To Dare is To Do! Also, do you think you can keep your gob shut a bit. That last fella didn't know when to button it.
AVB: Sure. Sometimes I have this problem where I say 10 words instead of one, and my English is better than the whole of the first team squad, but I'll try. Also, can I just ask about the balance of the squad? I feel we need another striker or two. Also, we have just one left-back in the entire squad.
DL: Don't be silly Andre. Besides, you have four keepers to choose from.
AVB: OK I'll do my best. (AVB leaves the room..)
DL phones Big Joe. DL: Yeah I can't believe he took the job! I know! Top four - I wish! Just think, if he does it we look great, and if he doesn't then no-one expected it anyway! If we can just keep the wallet closed for another year, no-one will blame us when it goes tits-up. But just imagine if he did it Joe? It has never been done before...since there were four clubs qualifying for the Champions League, no team has made a profit and made top four! It would be a small miracle.. I know, I've sold all his best players! Nobody likes him; the fans are going crazy! The press are having a field day! He can't really do it...can he?
Eves-dropped by Sebthespur