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AVB - the job interview

DL: Hello Andre, thanks for applying, we'd like to offer you job!
AVB: That's great news. It's an honour to be able to begin the project, what are the requirements?
DL: Well as you know, we have a long and proud history of nearly being successful. We think you are the man to take us that next step. The last manager was almost universally loved by fans and the media, and we know that everybody thinks you are a laughing stock after the debacle at Chelski, but we have faith in you, because nobody else has put themselves forward for the job. Tell me, do you wind the car window down a lot?
AVB: No why?
DL: Doesn't matter, but please can you get a bus to the training ground on deadline day?
AVB. OK, I'm really looking forward to working with the players. I've heard great things about Modric, Van der Vaart, King and others.
DL: Erm ,yeah, few issues there. Modric doesn't want to stay here but I think I'm gonna wait til the last week in August to see if he changes his mind. Also, Rafa is going back to Germany, but I reckon again I'll wait til deadline day just to see if his price goes up. Ledley is retiring. Also, we have decided that your decent fringe players should go to. Corluka, Pienaar, GDS, Rose, I mean, we need the money.
AVB: Ok, can I replace them?
DL; Kind of, We need to make about £15million. You see, Big Joe in Barbados, he needs a new yacht. Also, don't ask me why, but your two best players from last season, Parker and Kaboul, I just have a feeling they could get long term injuries…
AVB: OK, I would like Moutinho to replace Modric. I've worked before with him, and if we get him in July he'll fit in seamlessly. I've heard there are a few issues with ownership, so we need it sorting sooner rather than later. Also that Leandro fella looks shit hot, let's snap him up before the Olympics when his price will rise. I also like Vertonghen.
DL: You can have one of those, and only because it's on our list as well. Vertoghen it is. Also, we reckon Adebayor is the real deal. He tried so hard last year when he was looking for a contract, so we think he deserves to be the highest-paid player in our history. We fully expect him to carry on where he left off. But you can't have him until three weeks in to the season, when he'll be too unfit to play. Also, the Icelandic fella at Swansea. He scored against us last year, so he must be decent, so we've decided he deserves £60k a week as well.
AVB: OK, what are the season requirements?
DL: Well top four and a cup win. We haven't done that since the mid 80s, when we were the richest team in England, but hey, To Dare is To Do! Also, do you think you can keep your gob shut a bit. That last fella didn't know when to button it.
AVB: Sure. Sometimes I have this problem where I say 10 words instead of one, and my English is better than the whole of the first team squad, but I'll try. Also, can I just ask about the balance of the squad? I feel we need another striker or two. Also, we have just one left-back in the entire squad.
DL: Don't be silly Andre. Besides, you have four keepers to choose from.
AVB: OK I'll do my best. (AVB leaves the room..)
DL phones Big Joe. DL: Yeah I can't believe he took the job! I know! Top four - I wish! Just think, if he does it we look great, and if he doesn't then no-one expected it anyway! If we can just keep the wallet closed for another year, no-one will blame us when it goes tits-up. But just imagine if he did it Joe? It has never been done before...since there were four clubs qualifying for the Champions League, no team has made a profit and made top four! It would be a small miracle.. I know, I've sold all his best players! Nobody likes him; the fans are going crazy! The press are having a field day! He can't really do it...can he?

Eves-dropped by Sebthespur




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The journalist

Writer: Sebthespur Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Monday February 4 2013

Time: 3:24PM

Your Comments

Eavesdropped???
Burntspur
If we did get top four we made a loss anyway didn't we? Or would we go of the next financial year for the record?
Burntspur
off***
Burntspur
So wrong big cock. Good Article btw Sebthespur. I lol'd a few times :)
Burntspur
Somewhat off topic, but the following URL is about players likely to leave their clubs this summer. It has Bale's picture as its opening:

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1513607-football-transfer-window-20-players-guaranteed-to-move-this-summer

Total knobhead
"Denial Levy to A.V.B on first meeting .... 'I`m going to open up my fly ,& you`re going to swallow what i give you to swallow,' wrote big cockeral.

First, I love the interpretation of Daniel Levy as Denial Levy. It's absolutely brilliant. I didn't know you had such literary mirth in you, Big C.

Second, one swallow does not a summer make. Perhaps it is sufficient to make one a homophobe.

I'm sure that what Denial Levy said, was "hello, McFly." That's the ticket Big C.

Total knobhead
lol tk, look who they quote with all the moves... its all *****e tabloid crap
wiltshirespur
tripe
tommyharmer
that was funny
SilwalYid
shawshank redemption, big c. I recognize a prison reference. By the way, my counter reference was to Aristotle.
Total knobhead
Who does Levy think he is? Signing the French national captain? Signing the Germany Under-21 Captain? Signing both of them for much less than their true value? I hate him. I hate the fact that he hasn’t backed AVB. Lloris, Vertonghen, Dembele have all proved to be rubbish. And Dempsey, Sigurdsson and Adebayor are League 1 at best. How dare Levy spend only £50m on strengthening the squad? I thought he was meant to be supportive of AVB? It’s not as if the support clearly started when he appointed AVB in the first place is it? And Lewis Holtby. What is Levy doing? Signing one of the best young talents in Europe and Germany U-21 Captain for only 1.5m? Is he having a laugh? I thought he loved AVB – but surely if he did, he would have signed Lionel Messi for £250m of his own money. Wow, pathetic article or what ,,,, levy has worked magic at this club
yid4everandeverahmen
Big C - Let me explain to you the kind of man AVB is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.
Slurms McKenzie
I've been a staunch supporter of ENIC and how Levy's run the club so far. But the past couple windows have been nothing short of shambolic. AVB has done wonders with what he has got, and this despite the sale of our top players in Modric and VDV. For a long time many of us fans had been wishing and praying for our very own Ferguson, our own Wenger; well folks, we have one now in AVB. But what Levy has done is an absolute abomination in the manner he has treated AVB; selling our best players instead of getting them. What remains to be seen is, if and when AVB is offered a new contract at the end of this season, whether he puts pen to paper. This will be the indicator of the relationship and trust between Levy (i.e. the board/committee) and AVB. Let me be clear, we can not lose a manager of the ability and calibre of AVB. It has taken more than 50 years since our glory days, but that time has finally arrived now, in the form of a manager and one of the better squads in not only this country but Europe. Let's not throw this away, Levy.
spuradic
Why do they call you Big Cockeral?
Slurms McKenzie
Maybe its because I'm French - to paraphrase!
Slurms McKenzie
Yeah, Let's not throw this away, Levy!
dcruzer
Great article best laugh on here in ages. It also reminds me of the old adage "many a true word is spoken in jest", I'll dare bet that much of your article is made up of verbatum quotes. An addition could have been, "I know I have made life difficult for you by ripping the heart of your squad, which incidently you will not be allowed to replace, but should you fail, you will join your 7 predecessors in ENIC's "hall of fame".
Frank
I know most on here don't care but comments like these are highly disrespectful of both Levy and AVB. AVB seems a very thoughtful, bright, pragmatic, focused man. I firmly believe he and Levy are working together to get us where we need to be. He did not bloat the squad. He is dealing with it. Fact is, We invested heavily in players for Ramos and extended guys like Dawson and Jenas because Ramos saw them as part of the puzzle. 8 games later you fire you manager and give the new one the right to buy a whole bunch of new guys rather than coaching what you have. Gio, Gomes, Bentley, Pav, Corluka were all found to be lacking during Harry's time. He then brought in Chimbonda, Palacios, Keane, Defoe, Cudicini in his first window. Each of those signings put someone out of the picture. The same has happened at QPR both for Hughes and now for Harry. Kudos to AVB for not going that route. This is short term pain for hopefully, long-term gain. I will not assess the transfer policy of AVB until August 31, 2013. Then, we'll have an idea. We have paid Jenas to leave (if Harry can be believed). COYS
peterballb
Yes peterballb is right, most on here don't care, lets have a little giggle now and again. Sebthespur is only Lampoon the situation in light of our recent lack of striker signings! Come on peterballb lighten up, did you fall as a young fella and break your Funnybone or something?
Slurms McKenzie
TK - one swallow does not make a summer....classic, actually made me laugh...
shedboy2
yid4everandeverahmen, where o you get the £50M spend on AVB's squad. This was simply of the proceeds from selling Modric, VDV, Corluka, Kranjcar, GDS, Crouch, so was recycled money, no new money, the window realised a profit.
Frank
As a fan of Spurs peterbalb, I have as much respect for Levy as he has for me.
Frank
yid4everandeverahmen- you're right Levy has worked magic or as it's called in the real world- an illusion/misdirection/sleight of hand...you see that £50m he spent he took from the £60m he got from selling our best players...you know they don't actually cut women in half in those shows don't you?...;) He made - Modric, VDV, Kranjcar, corluka, Pienaar, Bassong, Gio et al...disappear....magic.
shedboy2
Haha glad this got the response I wanted! Peterballb please lighten up - I am AVB's biggest fan, I think the guy is an absolute miracle worker. That was the point pal, Levy has hamstrung him. I honestly think Levy has taken a (calculated?) gamble that may yet just pay off. But it was a gamble that needn't have been, and his transfer window policy over the last two years has made us nothing short of a laughing stock. Links to Aguero, Moutinho, Oscar, Damaio - pure make believe. Waiting til the last day? Pure stupidity. Gambling with the teams fortunes when trying to barter peanuts for Holtby? Scandalous. One fit striker in the squad? Ridiculous. I love my team, and I love this site, but I cannot love Levy at the moment. I won't change if we get top 4 - it will be in spite not because of our esteemed chairman.
Sebthespur
I was not referring to the article. I understood fully well the intent with which it was proffered. I was referring to comments in responseto it that are, IMO, disrespectful. Slurms, I am a huge admirer of comedy and have as healthy a funnybone as anyone. I was brought up on Dave Allen, Jasper Carrot, the Marx Brothers, Laurel and Hardy, Chaplin, Benny Hill, Wayne and Schuster, the Smothers Brothers, Bob Newhart and am a huge fan of Dennis Miller, Danny Bhoy, Greg Ghiraldo, Stewart Francis, the Doo Wops, Jeremy Hotz, and hundreds more. I watch comedy as frequently as football (which is on a daily basis along with hockey as is required by citizenship). Having a lrf is fine. One does not need to be disrespectful, just as when one disagrees in opinion. I take no offense to anything posted on a forum. I give my opinion and I respect others'. COYS
peterballb
Frank, we spet 5M more than we brought in. While that may be considred a profit to US Congress, it is not in the real world. COYS
peterballb
peterballb You missed out Monty Python and Rowan and Martin'slaugh in. LOL
chrishove123
Very funny piece Seb. Nicely put a smile on my face. Thank you! Sadly the last paragraph is probably very close to the truth.
SpuriousLife
If we're talking comedy, Jim Jeffries, Louie CK, Sean Lock and Frankie Boyle are my current loves.
Tottenham Hotcore
chrishove123, I left lots out. Victor Borge, Red Green, Tim Minchum, Zack Galafanaikas, Bo Burnham, Andy Carr, Dave Chappelle, Stephen Wright, Jon Pinette..........
peterballb
Lock and Boyle I have never seen before so I'll check them out tonight. COYS
peterballb
I'm trying to find the humour in the article. Where is it?
thenuge
thenuge-maybe its a problem regarding some funnybone that lads are talking about
SilwalYid
Very good article Sebthespur. AVB has done well so far. He obviously got all the players playing hard, player for SPURS and importantly, playing for him. COYS
Madaboutspurs
To be fair Underspur I think I transgressed more then Big C and my comments weren't edited out but I take the point about our younger members and those of fainter hearts then mine. I shall endeavour to do better.
Slurms McKenzie
Thanks Underspur, what kind of example are we showing to the youth? And what happened to seeing the glass half full? Do you "talk down" to your players and point out all their wrongdoings and mistakes, to then ask them to play better? what kind of incentive is that?......
diddleDoo
 

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